Buzz Tells Bad Jokes
by dmwcool1
Summary: He does.   One-shot. Some BuzzXJessie.


**Sorry for the bland title and summary but I'm too lazy to type anything. This story is literally just word vomit due to my writer's block for "The Sleepover" and "A Date at the Andersons". This is somewhat (or entirely) based on an I Love Lucy episode. I believe it's called "Lucy's inferiority complex". Don't bet on it, though. I own nothing.**

Buzz Lightyear of Star Command is many things. He has captured not only the heart of Andy Davis but also his new owner, Bonnie Anderson. He is a friend of Sheriff Woody Pride and a (somewhat) significant other to Jessie. He fought against the evil emperor, Zurg, and not to mention Sid; the destructive neighbor, Stinky Pete (AKA The Prospector); the territorial elderly toy, and Lotso; the psychotic plush toy who smells of strawberries. He survived from an explosive rocket, a jet airplane, and a incinerator. He became well established throughout the group of toys as a leader and a headstrong space ranger.

He could basically do everything and anything. Well, except for one thing: telling a good joke. Now, that doesn't mean he's not a funny guy. His stuttering habits, his delusions from areas of life, and not to mention his Spanish mode are definitely hilarious. And he's probably the nicest toy anyone could meet. But he would somehow screw up a joke while telling it by either messing up the punch line or forgetting how to start or mixing up two different riddles. Or maybe they just weren't flat out funny.

Or course, he didn't know that.

"…And the guy sees his friend the next day," told Hamm, in a middle of a joke, "And he tells him, 'You know, When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.'" The room busted into laughter.

"That's a good one!" exclaimed Buttercup after the laughs died down.

"Oh!" jumped up Jessie, "I have one. But it's kinda silly." Everybody turned their attention to her and encouraged her to tell it anyways. "OK. Have you guys heard about the one with the broken pencil?" The toys all shook their heads. Jessie looked up and pretended to think and waved her hand away in dismissal. "Oh, never mind," she uttered with a smile, "it's _pointless_ anyways."

"That's cute Jessie!" Trixie announced between giggles. Woody then raised his arms up to get everybody's attention.

"OK, OK, I have a good one. Why were E.T.'s eyes so big?" They all asked why. "Because he saw his phone bill!" A silence fell throughout the room as the toys tried to figure out what that meant. Snickers rose from the group after several moments.

"Hey, that's a good one," admitted Mr. Potatohead, "How many times does E.T. say 'phone home' in the movie, anyways?"

"I know a joke that'll make you guys crack up," cut in Buzz. Everybody looked at each other in worry and back to him.

"Sure," urged Dolly, "go ahead."

"Did you hear about the cat who ate the yarn ball? She had _kittens_!" The space ranger exploded into laughter but gradually stopped when he realized nobody else was joining him. "Kittens. Get it?"

"Uh, Buzz," mumbled Woody, "I think you mean _mittens_."

"Eh, not funny either way," blurted out Hamm.

"Wait, I have another one, " informed Buzz, "How do you plan a space-themed party? You set it up!"

"Buzz…" Woody groaned, bringing his hand to his forehead, "It's 'you _planet'_. Like as in _plan-it_." The astronaut's face dropped a little.

"Boy, can't tell a joke to save his life," murmured Mr. Potatohead.

"Hey, don't make fun of Buzz!" Woody called out.

"Yeah," interjected Jessie, "It's not his fault he's a bad joke-teller!" Her hands immediately crossed over her mouth in regret. "I-I mean…" she started, slowly removing her hands.

"What are you guys talking about?" questioned Buzz. The cowboy gave him a comforting yet apologetic smile.

"Well," he explained, "you never _do_ get a joke right…"

"What?" pronounced Buzz, his body drooping a little in shame.

"Don't be so hard on yourself. Some people have a natural ability to be funny and some-"

"Are duds like me."

"No! No no no no!" Woody swung his hands back and forward in front of him, "It's just-"

"I know," Buzz said sorrowfully. He straightened his posture and looked around the room, trying to hide his humiliation, "I, uh, think I heard Boonie coming back upstairs from daycare. I'm going to my spot." Lucky for Buzz, she _was_ back from school and the rest of the toys followed his footsteps by returning to their original spots.

* * *

"Buzz?" called out Jessie. Bonnie finished playing with them an hour ago and ran downstairs to help her mom with cooking. As the cowgirl approached him on the edge of the bed, she saw him playing with his fingers. He slowly set them on the comforter and turned to look at her. "Howdy." She sat herself next to him and let her legs dangle off the edge like her spaceman counterpart.

"Hi," he greeted sorrowfully. His eyes showed no emotion but a dull unhappy expression.

"Buzz, what's wrong?"

"Have I always told bad jokes? All these years I've been embarrassing myself like this?" Jessie was quiet for a short amount of time.

"…I found it charming…," she finally said. Buzz's shoulders dropped even lower. "C'mon, Buzz, you look like a turtle. Don't beat yourself over it."

"And all the times in front of _Bonnie's_ toys. They probably think I'm the most inane toy around."

"No they don't. They think you're-"

"You guys are funny. Why can't I be funny?"

"You _are _funny. You just can't-"

"I'm only funny with I make a fool out of myself."

"Well, I can't argue with ya there."

"I appreciate your honesty."

"Like your hormone-crazed Spanish mode."

"You still never clarified to me what that meant."

"Or your mispronunciations of words."

"Like what?"

"Like 'schmoes'. They're called s'mores."

"I still don't see the difference."

"Or when you stutter."

"I don't st-stutter."

"Or when you-"

"OK, I get it. If you don't mind, I'd like to be alone."

"Buzz, I didn't mean-"

"Please, Jessie. I promise I'll get better. I just some alone time." As she got up, she gave a little reassuring rub on his should with her right hand. Pulling Woody aside, she told him about their conversation.

"I've never seen him like this," concluded Jessie.

"Me neither," concurred Woody, "Pull my string; I thought I'd never see the day where Buzz Lightyear is actually…insecure about something."

"Holy buckaroo, you've known him for years. You've never seen him like this?"

"Well, I mean we've opened up to each other before. But I've never seen him this bad."

"Well, what should we do? I mean, this _is_ our fault." Bringing his finger to his chin, he tapped it in thought. As an idea came to him, he snapped his fingers.

"How about we convince him to tell a joke to us again?" Jessie gave him a cynical look.

"Woody, how do you think we got into this trouble in the first place?"

"I know, I know. But how about we laugh hysterically at each of his punch lines."

"Each one of them?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yup."

"All of them?"

"All of them."

"No matter how bad they are?"

"No matter how bad they are." Letting out a sigh, she nodded her head in agreement.

"Alright cowboy. Whatever you say."

"Good. I'll go tell the other toys my idea."

* * *

"Hey, Buzz," addressed Woody, swinging his arm around him.

"Hi," he responded sadly. Woody, unlike Jessie who had a softer approach, rolled his eyes and gave him a shake.

"Snap out of it, Lightyear! C'mon, we wanna here some more of your jokes."

"Who?" Woody stretched out his hand to the other side of the bed where the clan was grouped together, waiting in anticipation.

"Yeah right…" Buzz mumbled.

"Yeah. I'm right.," Woody shot back with a smirk. He raised his voice for the others to hear, "Don't you guys want to hear more of Buzz's jokes?" The group let out a few 'Of courses', some 'Sures', a little 'Yeahs', and an amount of 'Why nots".

"See?"

"Really?" Buzz asked, raising his eyebrows. "Why the sudden change?"

"Well, we realized we were being a little harsh on you earlier, "Woody explained, pulling him towards the cluster, "After all; most of the most famous comediennes started out with a harsh crowd." The toy astronaut's face lit up.

"You want to hear more of my jokes?"

"We already said yes," shouted Mr. Potatohead. Woody dropped his arm and joined the crowd.

"OK," started Buzz, "So a woman was feeling pain in her leg one day. It was so bad she couldn't even walk."

"HA HA HA!" cracked up Jessie, "That's funny, Buzz!"

"That's…that's not the funny part," he gently informed her with a confused look.

"Oh…"

"So she went to the doctor and said 'I think I broke my leg in two places.' And the doctor said 'Well, don't go to those places.'" He stopped with an eager smile on his face.

"That's it?" quizzed Hamm.

"Well…yeah."

"Uh…AH HA HA HA HA!" Woody yelled, nudging the toys next to him, "Buzz sure knows how to tell them. Right guys?"

"Sure does!" agreed Slinky with a fake cackle.

"Well, let's call it a night and-"

"Wait! I have another!" Buzz eagerly said.

"Umm, OK. Go head."

"If an athlete gets athlete's foot, what does an astronaut get? A missile toe!" Yet again, the group screamed out faux guffaws. "I didn't realize you liked them _this _much! I have a whole set! I have plenty of jokes." Silence filled the room. "Well?" persuaded Buzz, "Don't you want to hear them?"

"Woody," Jessie desperately asked through her teeth, "_Do_ we want to hear them?"

"Of course, Jessie," Woody answered with a forced smile, "Buzz is our _friend_ and we want to support him."

"Good!" Buzz beamed, "What is black and white and red all over…?"

This was going to be a long night…

**Woo hoo.**


End file.
